If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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