hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
