when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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