Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
