On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
