I am spending my child support on dildos
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
