I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
