If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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