I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
