did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
