why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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