there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
