On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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