It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
