Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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