im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
