It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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