Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
