DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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