oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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