I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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