i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
