they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
