why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
