this beer tastes like vomit already
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
