I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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