I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
