its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
