your parents love me but you hate me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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