He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
