Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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