last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
there is glitter all over my balls
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