apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
