How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
