Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
