I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
