Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
