Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
