Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
