im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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