I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
