I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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