did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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