and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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