They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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