I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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