every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
