During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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