can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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