If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
